Flame of Hope

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Celestine Chua of The Personal Excellence Blog.

Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?

Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying “no”, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say “no” also extended to my clients, business associates and even sales people.

After a while, I realized all these times of not saying “no” (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say “no”.

Why We Find It Hard To Say “No”

To learn to say “No”, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:

1. You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
2. Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Asia culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).
3. Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you confirm to others’ requests.
4. Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
5. Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.
6. Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.

If you nodded to any of the reasons, I’m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying “No” doesn’t mean you are being rude; neither does it mean you are being disagreeable. Saying “No” doesn’t mean there will be conflict nor that you’ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely doesn’t mean you’re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.

At the end of the day, it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative.

7 Simple Ways To Say “No”

Rather than avoid it altogether, it’s all about learning the right way to say no. After I began to say no to others, I realized it’s really not as bad as I thought. The other people were very understanding and didn’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind.

If you are not sure how to do so, here are 7 simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.

1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”

If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better. I use this when I have too many commitments to attend to.

2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”

It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something. Sometimes I get phone calls from friends or associates when I’m in a meeting or doing important work. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.

3. “I’d love to do this, but …”

I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to the other party. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it. I often get collaboration proposals from fellow bloggers and business associates which I can’t participate in and I use this method to gently say no. Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior commitments (#1) or different needs (#5).

4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”

This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this. Sometimes I’m pitched a great idea which meets my needs, but I want to hold off on committing as I want some time to think first. There are times when new considerations pop in and I want to be certain of the decision before committing myself. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.

If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all, don’t lead him/her on. Use methods #5, #6 or #7 which are definitive.

5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”

If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.

6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”

If you are being asked for help in something which you (i) can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on – whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. I always make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer the person in the right place.

7. “No, I can’t.”

The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. As I shared earlier in this article, these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.

Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs, and once you do that you’ll find how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work and things that are most important to you. I know I do and I’m happy I started doing that.

Celes writes at The Personal Excellence Blog on how to achieve our highest potential and live our best life. Get her free ebook “101 Things To Do Before You Die” by signing up for her free newsletter.

I am too busy enjoying the summer to write content, but not too busy to share what great content that comes my way – enjoy

Posted: 21 Jul 2010 11:01 AM PDT

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Mary Jaksch of Goodlife ZEN.
Do you want to be more productive? Maybe you do, but I’m sure you don’t want to feel stressed, overwhelmed, or unhappy – which happens to many super-productive people. But there is good news:

You can be insanely productive – and still smell the freesias, savor a Pinot Noir, or enjoy a languid hug.

A few weeks ago Leo Babauta said to me, “Mary – you’re one of the most productive people I know. And you still keep smiling and seem so relaxed. How do you do it?”

Most stuff I’ve read about productivity is about doing things differently. Like getting up at 4 a.m. each morning, or drinking eight liters of water a day, or keeping a notebook under the pillow. Sorry, folks – I don’t do any of those things.

High productivity isn’t about doing, it’s about being.

If you want to be highly productive – and still enjoy life – you need to look at how you live, and how you use your mind. Check out the following five suggestions:

1.  Make peace within.
Most people live in a constant state of inner conflict and suffer from a barrage of negative thoughts that sabotage productivity.

Here’s a scenario: Imagine that your car has landed in a ditch. A group of helpers gather, attach ropes and start to pull the car out. Unfortunately, they’re not all pulling in the same direction. Some try to pull the car toward the road, whereas others try to pull it deeper into the ditch. It’s absurd.

That’s exactly what happens when we’re divided within: everything is a struggle, nothing much happens, and it’s frustrating. But what if your mind, body, and soul are all aligned?

When our energy is aligned, we are in a state of flow.

When we’re at peace within, and immersed in the task at hand – without negative thoughts sabotaging our productivity – action becomes effortless. We’re able to achieve much more in less time. And with more enjoyment.

Tip: Wear an elastic wristband. Whenever you notice negative thoughts, change your wristband to the other arm. This will help you to create and maintain peace within.

2.  Go to your edge. Regularly.
Most people use only a fraction of their capacity and try to save personal energy. For example, we’re tempted to rest when we feel tired in order to recover our zest for life. Wrong move! The more energy you spend, the more you have.

Tiredness can signal many things. If you’re healthy, it may mean that you are bored, frustrated, lack movement, or need more oxygen. Or maybe conflict within has sapped your energy. It’s important to go to your limits regularly. Take up running, martial arts, swimming, or other activities – there are many way to exercise vigorously.

Tip: If you feel exhausted or lethargic, go for a brisk walk in order to rev up your energy and restore your spirit.

3.  Take action.
Most people aren’t productive because they don’t take action. They have dreams and even plans – but they don’t follow through. Negative thoughts can derail action. It may be that you have doubts about your ability, or that you listen to others who doubt you.

Tip: Look at what you would like to achieve and ask yourself, “What is the smallest step in the direction of my dreams that I can take right now?” Then take that baby step. Now.

4.  Do what you love.
Think about how you spend your time. Do you enjoy your work, or is it a grind? I’ve changed my life, and what I’m passionate about has now become my work: I teach my Zen students, and also work together with Leo to mentor bloggers in the A-list Blogger Club .

A few days ago my partner David knocked at the door of the little cabin in the garden where I work:

“Mary,” he said, “ do you realize it’s 10 o’clock at night – and you’re still working?”
“I’m not working!” I shot back. “I’m enjoying myself!”

Yes, when the boundary between work and play gets blurred, you may actually work more – but it feels like you’re just having fun.

Tip: Follow your dreams – even if it’s only for ten minutes a day.

Love what you do.
We can’t always do what we love. But we are free to love what we do. From a Zen perspective, there is a way to turn even the dullest chore into pleasurable activity through mindfulness.When we pay tender regard to our present experience – letting go of all thoughts and judgments – even the most mundane action can become pleasurable. Mindfulness doesn’t mean watching yourself, it means being fully present, moment by moment.

Tip: In order to become mindful, notice sensations of the moment. What sounds can you hear? How are your feet connected with the ground? What does your skin feel like?

5.  Finally, a key question you need to ask …

If you want to be productive and still enjoy life, there is a key question you need to answer: why be productive?

I mean, why not just chill out on the couch, eat potato crisps, and watch TV reruns? That might be fine. But what about the oblong box we’re all going to end up in?

I remind myself every morning that life is short and mine may be over by nightfall. That gives me the the desire to taste and enjoy each moment. It also adds a measure of calm urgency because I want to leave a mark upon the world. Do you?

If so, mindful productivity will help you create a life that offers both pleasure and productivity. You’ll achieve more, and you’ll still keep smiling. That smile will light up not only your own life, but also the lives of those around you.

You don’t have to be a super-hero. Simply make peace within and live each moment fully. That’s all.

Mary Jaksch is a Zen Master and blogger. Head over to Goodlife Zen for more of her articles. And visit the A-List Blogger Club.

Session 1 – Values.  Values are simply things of value in our lives.   Generally the things we value become habits.  Values themselves are neither positive nor negative, they just are.  The way they make you feel is very strong and that feeling can be positive or negative.  They have an important influence on your quality of life.    What I have discovered is that to the extent we are engaged in activities that are in line with what we value and believe in, that we are the happiest and most satisfied.

So where do values come from?  Values are developed over a lifetime as we explore the various areas of our lives.  We try things and succeed or fail.  We accept the successes and as the experiences are repeated and we have the same satisfactory result, they become things of value, and give us pleasure.  Things we do not succeed at or feel like a failure are seldom repeated and they do not become values. So as we have satisfactory experiences with family, friends, peers, teachers and others we develop or add to our value experiences.  So where do bad habits come from?  They are generally patterns of thought that we have not tried in reality- things we believe to be better than anything we have tried to date.  Even if they do not give us pleasure, they are familiar and better than any alternative we have experienced.

It is also true that in my experience, teens have not given any thought to or paid any attention to their feelings – this goes for values and rules we live by even more – so this may be a challenging lesson for all.  I am enclosing a values exercise (shared tools and services category) for adults – just to check out your feelings about your values before you begin with your teen.  Here are several other exercises that you can use to check out what you value:

• Have you had a traumatic experience either heath related or emotional trauma?  What did you learn?  Where did you focus your time and attention?  When we are forced by circumstances to realize what our priorities are, where we spend our emotional time – it usually leads to what we really value.  It may not be a direct correlation, but if you examine the why behind the what, it usually leads to a real value.
• A friend of mine had a process he used to keep focused on what was important, verses what was urgent.  He said if he only had 6 months to live what did he want to focus his time and energy on?  So what if you knew for sure you had 6 months of unlimited resources (health, wealth, energy – all the resources at your immediate disposal) how would you spend your time and why?  This will not only give you your real values, but a priority of values as well.
• Since teens most likely will not relate well with the adult value exercise, I suggest the following:
  • Using the wheel of life and section descriptions found in section 3 above determine one or more values for each.  Remember that “values” are things of value in our life, things that we feel good about.  So for example:
  • “Myself” – how I feel about the collective me- I value:
    • A healthy mind, body and spirit
    • My sense of humor
• Play – How am I finding enough time to play?
  • Time I give back to myself the excitement of childhood
  • Time to  explore what I may become
• Friends – Groups, close friends, people I respect and can trust.
  • People who tell me like it is who I feel comfortable in confiding in and people who are like minded.
  • People who feed my soul
• Special Gifts – What are my special gifts and talents?  What am I know for?  Am I using them in important areas of my life?
  • I value my vision and ability to help others discover their life purpose
• Helping Others – How am I doing at helping others, community service, tutor or mentoring others?
  • I value my gift of listening and understanding
  • I value my time of coaching
• School – How am I doing?  Am I satisfier with my classes, teachers’, school, where I am headed after High School?  Do I have a plan for what’s next?
  • I value my excitement for continuous  learning
  • I read new materials relating to careers and self improvement so that I have more to share
• What’s missing?  An area to fill in a part of your life not explored in the wheel!
• Family – Parents, bothers/sisters, relatives, grandparents, heritage, pets.
  • My family is very important to me and gives me hours of pleasure.
• Money and resources- What I earn, jobs, allowances and expenses (what I need).
  • I value our resources as a means to accomplishing my life purpose
  • I value a lifestyle revolving around freedom of  time and money

So now you have a better idea of what you and your teen values.  This is vital information in determining an appropriate job or career path, since any goals or work that is not in line with your values will not bring you work satisfaction and will feel very uncomfortable.

I am including a guest post for all of you who are considering if and how to simplify live a freer lifestyle.

The post gives you some great criteria for making decisions on what to keep and what to pitch, but consider what to buy using this concept:  does it support your vision and or dream; does it move you closer to your dream (perhaps building an infrastructure for your purpose) and/or does it create an experience that you have always wanted to have.  Please read on!

How to Simplify When You Love Your Stuff

Posted: 02 Jul 2010 07:00 AM PDT

Dr. Zimmerman’s TUESDAY TIP:

“Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.”
Robert Orben

What Dr. Alan Zimmerman Has To Say About This:

The great business philosopher, Jim Rohn observed, “Time is our most valuable asset, yet we tend to waste it, kill it, and spend it rather than invest it.”

That’s sad … because you don’t get a second chance to use it. Your first shot is your last one. You get one crack … and one crack only … at using any given period of time. And if you screw it up, too bad. There are no do-overs.

By contrast, I’ve noticed that the happiest people and the most successful are almost always very skilled in the way they invest their time. Oh sure, they get the same amount of time as anyone else, 24 hours a day, and not a minute more. But you can be certain that the way they think about time … and the way they allocate time … is very different than the way negative, demotivated people approach it.

To make sure you’re investing your time wisely, there are 4 things you’ve got to do.

=> 1. Don’t spend too much time in the past.

That would be about as foolish as trying to drive a car that had a rear-view mirror that was bigger than the windshield. You would probably crash.

And the same goes for time. If you live your life in the past, you’re going to crash the present. You’re going to ruin it.

The past only serves two purposes. It provides lessons and preserves memories. So pick up the lessons from your past. Reflect on your good memories once in a while. And then get on with the present.

As author Ida Scott Taylor wrote in the early 1900’s, “One day at a time — this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.”

=> 2. Spend the “right” amount of time on the future.

The key is the “right” amount of time. If you spend too little time, you’re living your life on auto-pilot. You’re living your life without purpose and goals … and that will never lead to happiness or success.

If you spend too much time on the future, dreaming about how good life could be … if only certain things would happen … you once again miss the present.

You’re living your life in a fantasy world, rather than working on making it happen.

Of course, I know the “right” amount of time may be somewhat of a dilemma. The comedian Jerry Seinfeld commented on that. He said, “I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication … Not easy. There’s an entire wall of products that you need. You stand there going, ‘Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting … Which is more important, the present or the future?’”

Well, Jerry, I can answer that for you. The present is more important … because what you do in the present determines your future.

The Chinese knew that hundreds of years ago. As stated in one of their ancient proverbs, “If you want to know your past, look into your present conditions.

If you want to know your future, look into your present actions.”

=> 3. Focus on the present.

As I tell my audiences, “Wherever you are, be there!” Don’t fret about work when you’re at home, and don’t worry about the kids when you’re at work. Learn to be totally present.

The great conductor Arturo Toscanini mastered the skill. On his 80th birthday, someone asked his son Walter what his father ranked as his most important achievement. The son replied, “For him there can be no such thing. Whatever he happens to be doing at the moment is the biggest thing in his life — whether it is conducting a symphony or peeling an orange.”

Indeed, learning to live in the “now” may be critical to your success. As change expert Price Pritchett puts it, “Fast growth requires … a strong sense of ‘now-ness.’” You have to maximize the value of the moment.

As Pritchett goes on to say, “Pay attention. Consciously watch how you’re spending the fleeting now, and consider the payback you’ll get. Are you making a good investment of your hours and minutes? Or are you wasting these scarce resources … spending time on stuff that offers little return … fumbling the opportunity for fast growth?”

You need to show great respect for the now. If you fill it with right behaviors, you’ll be rewarded with fast results.

And finally,

=> 4. Adopt the mind set of living in the present.

Now I know that’s easier said than done … that we all need to live in the present. But it can be done … if you reflect on a few slogans throughout your day. In fact, you can even write them down, put them on a card, and read the card three or four times a day.

And thanks to the millions of people who have gone through 12-step programs or other recovery programs, these slogans have been time tested and proven to work. So give them a try. They’ll keep you focused on the present.

**Easy does it.

**First things first.

**How important is it?

**Just for today.

**Keep it simple.

**Keep an open mind.

**Let go and let God.

**Let it begin with me.

**Listen and learn.

**Live and let live.

**One day at a time.

**Progress not perfection.

Yes, the more you reflect on these slogans, the easier it will be for you to live your life to the fullest … in the present. And if you want to get real technical about it, the present is the only time you have anyway.

As mentioned in “The 500 Year Delta” by Jim Taylor and Watts Wacker, “Once upon a time, you could live in three tenses — the past, the present, and the future. There was a time to consult history; there was a time to plan to what lay ahead. The present tense was spent managing the transfer of the past into the future and imagining what that future might be.”

They continue, “Today, under the pressure of accelerating change, the past and future have been fused into a single tense: the present. The present is real time and real time is the only time.”

Action:

Which of the living-in-the-present slogans appeals to you the most? Pick one. And then repeat that slogan to yourself several times a day for at least 30 days in a row.

Make it a 10 in 2010!

Dr. Alan Zimmerman

I have always enjoyed Process Based Management and What makes a Great Boss.  It took me 40+ years to discover that the key to a great job is your boss.  Dr Zimmerman has some great advice and process check for Managers – Enjoy

Dr. Zimmerman’s TUESDAY TIP:

Bad bosses are bad for business.

What Dr. Alan Zimmerman Has To Say About This:

In a well-known Gallup poll of more than 1 million employed U.S. workers, a bad boss is the number 1 reason people quit their jobs.  As Gallup said, “People leave managers not companies … In the end, turnover is mostly a manager issue.”

It’s also a bottom-line issue.  A poorly-led workforce is 50% less productive and 44% less profitable than a well-led workforce.

And finally, it’s an emotional issue.  As Tim Pflieger, the founder of the Team Leadership Center (TLC) in Door County, Wisconsin, puts it, “We are the only species that elects, selects and appoints leaders who are incapable of leadership, and that wouldn’t be so bad, but then we let them hang around … Geese and wolves wouldn’t do that.”  Yes, we let them hang around and stink up the workplace and depress the workforce.

So that begs the question … “What do employees want/need from their leaders?”  I believe they want/need four things.

=>  1.  Direction

Call it vision, purpose, conviction, or direction, people want their leaders to have it.  And they want their leaders to lead them SOMEWHERE better than where they are right now.

Before that can happen, however, the leader has to create the vision, communicate the vision, and sell the vision, so everybody understands it and everybody buys into it.

***Provide direction by “walking the talk”

And a big part of that process will be the leader’s example.  A leader can’t expect people to listen to his advice and ignore his example.  As noted in a book called the “Balancing Act” by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler, “The higher you climb up the flagpole, the more others can see your rear end.”

If you’re going to give people “Direction,” if you’re going to have a vision that enlists the full and willing cooperation of others, you’ve got to walk your talk.  After all, your employees are constantly watching you to see if you’re doing what you’re telling them to do.  They’re watching your “Direction.”

One leader thought he had a pretty good way to walk his talk and reinforce the “Direction” he was giving out.  So he purchased an expensive coffee mug with a fancy depiction of the vision statement for each employee.  It was his way of breathing extra life into the vision or “Direction” he was imparting.

***Provide direction by “talking the walk”

What he didn’t understand was that you have to do more than walk the talk … if you’re trying to lead a somewhat cynical or demoralized workforce.  You also have to talk the talk.  You have to explain the intentions behind the “Direction” you’re giving.  Otherwise, you’ll have a workforce that can easily misinterpret your leadership “Direction.”  They’ll read between the lines, inserting meanings you never intended.

That’s what happened in the coffee-mug situation.  Many of the employees assumed the coffee mugs were a thinly veiled cost-cutting device … because the new mugs were a full ounce smaller than the older ones.  They thought it must be an underhanded attempt to get people to drink less coffee.

In another situation, one executive had a vision of greater work-life balance for his workforce, and in his “Direction,” he urged his employees to balance their personal and professional lives, rather than sacrifice their family relationships for their work.  And to lead the way, he decided to take a month off and travel to China with his 19-year old son, who was about to leave the nest.

When the word got out that he was taking the vacation, several employees thought the executive was looking for other jobs.  Others said he was distancing himself from problems that would hit while he was gone, and others interpreted the action in even worse ways.

When the executive caught wind of the rumors, he decided it was time to talk the walk.  At the next all-employee meeting, he talked about the fact he hadn’t taken a vacation in 10 years and the price he paid for that.  He talked about how he sacrificed his family for his job.  He spoke personally about his relationship with his son and their 10-year dream of going to China. He talked about the value of work-life balance.  And then his people understood.

He followed up his trip by encouraging others to get more balance in their own lives.  He supported people who needed to leave a meeting a little early to attend their kids’ soccer game or attend a family reunion.  He walked his talk and he talked the talk.

When you do that, you give your employees the first thing they want and need from their leader.  You give them “Direction” … “Direction” they can understand, accept, and follow.

=>  2.  Trust

It’s the second thing employees want from their leaders.  They want their leaders to be “trustworthy.”  But what does that mean?

***Being worthy of trust

First of all, trustworthiness has to do with integrity.  As stated in the “Army Leadership Values,” integrity is doing what is right legally and morally.

Trustworthiness also has to do with courage.  As the “Army Leadership Values” go on to say, you need to have “Personal courage — to face fear, danger, or adversity.”  Or as Rudolph Giuliani states in his “Six Principles of Leadership,” you must “Have courage.  This is not the absence of fear.  It is the management of fear, of having fear and making the right decision anyway.”

And finally, trustworthiness has to do with candor.  Gut-honest candor.  Giuliani advises, “Communicate honestly and directly to your people.”

***Giving respect to others

So employees want their leaders to be trustworthy, but they also want their leaders to trust or respect them.  It’s the flip side of the same issue.  And sometimes leaders inadvertently disrespect their people and wonder why there’s so much tension and dissension in the workforce.

Roger Chavalier talked about that in “A Manager’s Guide To Improving Workplace Performance.”  He talked about a Coast Guard officer who was leading a group of trainers.  He was impressed by the group’s self-discipline.  They were all there and already at work when he arrived at 7:30 each morning.  To honor their dedication, he began arriving at 7:15, when they did.  Pretty soon, however, his trainers were arriving at 7:00.  The reason?  Their goal was to arrive a respectful 15 minutes before the boss.

Spurred by the desire to be #1, the officer began arriving earlier and earlier until he was getting there at 6:30.  At this point, his group had had enough and started showing up at 7:30, at the last possible moment.  After they all met and talked this out, the leader learned his lesson:  Respect respect.

=>  3.  Hope

It’s easy to say we’re going through tough times right now, but the truth is … we’re always going to have tough times.  And that’s why employees want their leaders to provide this third element … hope.

***Starts with optimism

Employees want a leader who believes a better future is possible.  Employees want a leader that ignites their optimism.  And people are inspired when they hear their leaders say something like Christopher Reeve did after he was paralyzed.  He said, “This appears limiting, but let’s see what can be done.”

That’s exactly the way Giuliani handled the devastating attack of 9/11 on New York City.  In his memoirs he wrote, “Be an optimist.  People do not follow pessimists.  They follow people who solve problems and have hope.”

***Continues with action plans

But hope is more than nice, rah-rah motivational talk.  It’s also fueled by clear step-by-step actions.  As Morten T. Hansen wrote about a Yale University study in “Collaboration,”  a group of students was given information on the tetanus disease, along with pictures of convulsing patients suffering from it. The students were then asked if they thought it was important to get a vaccination to prevent this disease.

Most everyone in the group said “yes.”  Then a portion of those students were given a map to a medical clinic where the vaccine was being administered.  They were asked to review their schedules and find a convenient time to get the vaccination.

When the researchers tracked the number of students who actually got the vaccine, only 3% of those who saw the pictures and said “yes” to getting the vaccine went to the clinic.  But 28% of the students who received the map to the clinic got the vaccination.

The researchers concluded that giving people hope was not enough.   They had to do more than indicate there was a vaccine out there that would prevent tetanus.  They had to outline the step-by-step actions … or the detailed map that had to be followed … before there was much in the way of desired behavior change.

So as a leader, you need to give your people hope, but you also need to show them what they have to do to make that hope become a reality.

And finally,

=>  4.  Results

People want their leader to bring about results.  After all, as executive coach Dan Coughlin puts it, “You’re not paid to do activities; you’re paid to improve results.”

That’s right … improve results … by bringing out the best in your people.  “Your job as a team leader,” says leadership consultant Adele B. Lynn, “is to help people live up to their best intentions.”

And that invariably leads to more training.  You can’t expect your people to do better if they’re not trained and equipped to do any better.

Unfortunately, there are some “leaders” who think they don’t have the time or can’t spare the money to give their people any more training.  They may even wonder if the training is necessary.

I can help you answer that question by asking you two more questions.  Do the majority of your people have talents that are not being tapped in their present jobs?  And are you under pressure to produce more results without hiring more workers?

If you answered “yes” to both questions, you automatically know two things.  First your people have unused capacity … which you desperately need to get the results you want.  Second, it’s time to start developing that talent.

In summary, employees want four things from their leaders:  Direction, Trust, Hope, and Results.  When you provide those four things, your people tend to stick with you, and they perform exceedingly well.  You’re creating an environment where excellence is automatic and prevalent.

One of my clients, Medrad, a medical imaging products maker, puts it very well.  As president and CEO, John Friel says, “I don’t do anything. I don’t make anything. I don’t design anything. I don’t sell anything, so the real work of this company is all done by other people.  My job is to create the environment for those people to be successful, and I believe if I’m out and get a feel for what the real workers are doing, then I think it enables me to do a better job of creating the environment for them.  Employees will know whether you’re living this stuff or not.  They’re very smart.”

Action:

If you’re a leader, ask five of your subordinates to grade you on the elements of Direction, Trust, Hope, and Results.  Ask them where you are the strongest and where you most need to improve.

This lesson has three parts and will be spread out during the week;  here is what we will cover:

• Finding that feeling place – quiet your mind and listening skills
• Why understanding your feelings is important.
• Wheel of life – a starting place for understanding how satisfied you are right now.  Lets get started!

Session 2 Lesson Two “How Am I right now?

By now, hopefully you have talked to your teen and asked them if they would like to explore more about who they are, what they are good at and how that can lead to a career choice that will really make them happy and fulfilled.  If you got a positive response, you probably have looked over the getting ready section – thought about your coaching and mentoring skills and decided if you are up to the challenge.  If not, perhaps you can encourage your teen to follow along and sign up for my blog updates – I will be giving them some helpful hints and tips that may lead them down the path of self discovery.  If you are up to the challenge – let’s forge ahead.

1.  Finding that feeling place – quiet your mind and improve your listening skills

If you are ever to make meaningful change, it must come from the inside; hence we will be working on what is known as the “Inside Out Process”.  The key to the process is to find that “feeling place” within you to tap into ( and get out of your head); HOW is the million dollar question – and it is seems to be harder in teens than in adults, but perhaps that is just my perception, or can it be that kids are always in their head?    There are many resources that will give you answers to how to get in touch with your feeling, that feeling place (heart, spirit, energy source) and I may add a number of guest articles and white papers (look in Free Tools and Services), but here is what I have found useful to date with my limited experience:

• Get into a quiet time and space – one where you will not be interrupted (turn off your cell).  I find that the first thing in the morning before anyone is up has been my best time.  With Kids, you have to take what you can get.
• Focus on your breathing.  Sitting or lying down, shut your eyes and try and clear your mind of “monkey chatter”.  Take a few deep breaths and try and relax, notice what is going thru your mind.  Now focus on your breathing – notice your chest and belly as they rise and fall with each deep breath (you may have to direct your breath into the stomach).  Again notice, but do not focus on what is going thru your mind – notice and let it go.  Try deep breathing for a few minutes and then breathe regularly – each time your mind drifts to a subject other than your breathing, notice but let it go.  Once you have quieted your mind listen to what your inner voice is saying, what you are feeling – don’t hold on just notice.  With practice you will be able to get into your feeling place much more quickly.
• In a classroom situation, I found it possible for the kids to just take 4-5 deep breaths and try and relax – then I asked them a question:  On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being very low and 10 being the highest, how are you feeling about yourself – physically and spiritually (your heart or feeling place)?  Every session we go through the “How am I feeling?” exercise.  Why???
  • Feeling down affects your ability to listen and focus on what is about to happen.  If the kids are, say below a 7 on either scale; – ask them what is going on in their life, what is making them feel the way they are.  Until they unload and feel better, it is probably not worth moving ahead.  In class, I  just told them to be aware that their feelings would affect what they were learning or not learning, and that taking their pulse – so to speak, was an exercise that they could use before each class to see if they were ready to proceed.

• So what can you do to get back on track with your feelings – if it is physical, you need to find a way to relax or increase comfort or something physical.  You will know what has worked in the past.

If it is heart felt pain, anger or fear – here is an exercise found in the Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin that has worked rather well for many of my clients:

• There are three  ways of releasing unwanted emotions
  • The first way is Choosing to let go
  • The second way is to welcome the feeling, to allow the emotion to just be
  • The third way is to dive into the very core of the emotion

You can read about all three in his book, we will only be looking at option one – choosing to let go, and here is how it works:

Make yourself comfortable and focus inwardly.  Your eyes closed

• Step one – focus on the issue you would like to feel better about then allow yourself to feel whatever comes up in the moment
• Step two- Ask yourself the following three questions:
  • Could I let go of this feeling?
  • Would I let go of this feeling?  Would I rather have this feeling or would I rather be free?
  • When- and invitation to Now.
  • Repeat this preceding process as often as needed until you feel free of the particular feeling.

2.  Why understanding your Feelings is important!

This may be a little tough for me to explain and I do not claim to be any type of expert, but here is what I have discovered.  The head (mind) is basically a computer and deals with current and past data.  For the projection into the future, it uses past data, habits and thoughts.  The mind is very analytical and logical and wants to do things the way you have in the past – i.e. habits and thought patterns tend to be repeated, especially if they have been successful in the past – why waste time and energy thinking about new ways of behaving and thinking?  Well this can be good as long as situations and conditions have not changed and those current habits are producing the results you desire.  Often the case is that our old habits and patterns of thought are no longer relevant to changing conditions and need to be reevaluated – so how can you tell?  Here is where feelings come into play.  If you feel bad about how your life is going or if you feel anxiety, anger and your body feels bad, then this is a good indication that you want and need to change.  So feelings are a good barometer of how well things are going in the present.  Concerning self evaluation and determining what you really want in the future – you again need to be in touch with your feeling place and trust what your heart is telling you.  When you examine our life and ask what you really want, why and such things as your values, how you want to live your life, what you are strengths are – the answers will come from your heart, not your mind.  I have added a section on Obstacles to getting what you want, and we will examine the subject of the mind and how it holds you back, and yes what you can do about it.  So enough of this for now – let’s move on!

3.  Wheel of Life – a starting point for understanding how satisfied you are with your life right now!  And yes it does rely on your being in touch with your feeling place. It sometimes helps to develop compartments for various areas of your life, so we can examine deal with them individually. In working with my class, they came up with the following labels for the various areas of their lives – hope it fits, if not change the labels to fit your experiences and how you see the areas of your life.  The picture below may not be clear enough, so here are the 9 key areas and the basic content of each:

• In the center is “Myself” – how I feel about the collective me- my eating habits, exercise, how I get along with others, how I respond to me (like/dislike what I see).
• (from the top moving clockwise)
• Play – How am I finding enough time to play?  What type of activities do I really enjoy? Do I have a favorite hobby or sport that I pursue?
• Friends – Groups, close friends, people I respect and can trust.
• Special Gifts – What are my special gifts and talents?  What am I know for?  Am I using them in important areas of my life?
• Helping Others – How am I doing at helping others, community service, tutor or mentoring others?
• School – How am I doing?  Am I satisfier with my classes, teachers’, school, where I am headed after High School?  Do I have a plan for what’s next?
• What’s missing?  An area to fill in a part of your life not explored in the wheel!
• Family – Parents, bothers/sisters, relatives, grandparents, heritage, pets.
• Money and resources- What I earn, jobs, allowances and expenses (what I need).

******Here is an exercise you can do for yourself and with your teen********

Using the list or diagram – look at each area of our life and rate how things are going in this area right now.  (Using a scale of 1-10 with 1 stinks and 10 couldn’t be better). Now try sharing one area in your life that is going very well and why.  Share one area that you would like to improve and why.   Now to get an overall feel for how your life is going, try this little exercise.  Copy this wheel below and shade in the area of satisfaction that best fits how you are feeling about that area – i.e. 10% to 100% satisfied.  Now connect the segments with a dark pencil or marker.  Pretend you are riding a unicycle and this is your wheel – what type of ride would you get?  What could you do to improve the ride?  Would that help improve the overall satisfaction with your current life?  How about your future satisfaction?

Nice Job!!! Well, how did the sharing and insights go?  You may want to record you findings in your journal so you can compare the results at the end of the class or in the future.  So here is what we have covered in this lesson:

How am I right now? Exercises in getting in touch with your feelings – physical, emotional and spiritual.

• Finding that feeling place – quiet your mind and listening skills
• Why understanding your feelings is important.
• Wheel of life – a starting place for understanding how satisfied you are right now.

****Feedback time*****

Now would be a great time for feedback, so if you are willing here is what I would like to know:

1. What were the key learning’s, insights and or breakthroughs – did you record them in a journal?
2. What went well?
3. What didn’t go well?
4. What would you have liked more of?

We all have a certain amount of baggage we bring into a new learning situation, now you have a better idea of where your teen’s starting point.   The wheel of life explores categories that teens have in common.  Next we will get into more self and introspective areas of “Who am I? “.  We begin with Values clarification– what are they, where they come from and what do I value, what is important to me?  We will be looking at areas that make us unique individuals.

I have a brief list of questions to give to your teen (that should get them started down the path to self discovery) if they are ready to start.

What do you want to do with the rest of your life?  Will they relate to his question when they do not know what they want to do today?  My sense is that they will.  They probably want more information on what you mean.  Well life is full of choices so what would they like to accomplish in each area of their lives – woops we are getting ahead of the parts of their lives – that is explored more in lesson two.  But you can give them a list of questions to begin thinking about – they will help along the way.

• • What do I do well and enjoy doing?
  • What activities do I enjoy?
  • What am I doing when I am the happiest?
  • What makes me smile?  Laugh?  Cry?  Sad?
  • What kind of stories do I like to hear most?
  • Am I aware of my special Gifts?
  • What turns me off?  What turns me on?
  • What motivates me?

I would also suggest that your teen might like to journal about what they are learning.  Since trust is critical I would ask if they would like to keep these discoveries just between the two of you.  Ask for permission to share if you think others will benefit by their learning.

If possible, setup a regular time to do your coaching and career sessions – this will help establish an expectation on their part that they will be working on discovering  “Who they are” and it will help you reserve a time that you are most ready to help.

Well there is a lot to digest.  I hope you are up to the challenge – as I mentioned somewhere, Mother’s have the greatest influence on whether their teen goes to college, so I imagine that it will be the mother’s who read and begin the process of coaching their teen to Career success.

Next up is Lesson 2 - “How Am I right now?

I have a number of bloggers I follow and from time to time I will share their insights as they pertain to what we are talking about.   Enjoy

Dear Reader,

My friends John and Marcy seem to have it all … Great health, a beautiful family, a lovely home, plenty of money.

The problem? Their teenage kids are driving them completely nuts.

My wife Karen and I recently spent a weekend with them at their home in upstate New York.

“It’s so exasperating,” complained Marcy. “They don’t study. They stay out until all hours. We never know where they are or whom they’re with. Of course, it’s uncool for them to answer a phone call from their parents when they’re out, but they won’t even text us back. It’s infuriating.”

“Who is supplying them with the cell phones, the cars and the money?” I asked.

“Well, who do you think?” she said, irritated just thinking about it.

I let it go at that. This conversation wasn’t improving the evening and, besides, it was none of my business. But I couldn’t help thinking how different things were growing up at my house.

I was one of four boys, fairly close in age. Like all boys, we acted up. Regularly. But if things started getting out of hand, my Dad would threaten to “lower the boom.”

(I’m not sure any of us really knew what that meant, exactly. But from the look in his eye and the tone of his voice, it was clear that any “boom lowering” would not accrue to our advantage.)

That was when we were young, of course. But by the time you reach your teenage years, your relationship with your parents is pretty well established. And the way my brothers and I were raised, it would have been unthinkable to treat our Mom or Dad like a doormat.

Yet I have several friends who tell me they are experiencing pretty much the same thing as John and Marcy. They complain about their kids’ poor grades and bad manners, their lack of respect and motivation, their general feeling of entitlement.

What I don’t hear many of them saying is what role they as parents are playing in this state of affairs. Some of them might benefit from thinking a little less about fixing their kids and a little more about fixing the way they parent.

This is a touchy subject, I know. Everyone who has had a parent or a child – every living soul, in other words – is an expert on the subject. But could any job be more important?

As parents, it’s our responsibility to educate our kids about the consequences of their behavior. This requires frequent communication (and sometimes punishment). Yet, according to a recent study, the average parent spends three and a half minutes per week in meaningful conversation with his or her children. No wonder so many kids are a mess.

What should parents communicate? For starters, guidance, understanding, and opinions about what is right and wrong. They need to stress the importance of education and hard work.

Most of all, parents need to communicate that their love is unconditional, but their approval is not. Kids need to understand that eventually we all sit down to a banquet of consequences.

And it’s a tough world out there…

In 1940, for example, public school teachers claimed that the top seven disciplinary problems were talking out of turn, chewing gum, making noise, running in the halls, cutting in line, dress code infractions and littering. Today it is drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery and assault.

We can speculate on the reasons for this – violent and sexually-charged television shows, movies and video games, millions of homes without fathers, or other factors – but there is no denying the general coarsening of the culture.

Columnist George Will recently remarked that, “Sixty years ago, parents’ primary job was getting their kids to adopt the values of the culture. Today their primary job is getting them not to adopt the values of the culture.”

Things really are tougher for parents now. But that only means good parenting is more important than ever. Yes, the schools will teach them reading, science, history and math (or should). But it is up to us to teach our kids about important things like work, health, money, relationships, and integrity.

Part of this, of course, is setting an example. Your kids may not hear much of what you say. But they are watching what you do like a hawk.

And while there are different approaches to parenthood, in my view there are certain core values all kids should be taught:

*Respect your elders.

*Two ears, one mouth: Listen twice as much as you talk.

*When you give your word, keep it. Always.

*Look people in the eye when you talk to them.

*Stand up for yourself.

*Be kind to animals.

*Smile, it don’t cost nothing. (Bad grammar, good lesson)

*If you don’t have the time to do it right, how will you find the time to do it over?

*Spend less than what you earn. Save and invest the difference.

*Always say “please” and “thank you,” “yes, sir” and “no, ma’am.”

*Understand that the workplace is a hierarchy, not a democracy.

*If you borrow something, return it in better condition than you got it.

*Learn to think for yourself.

*If you don’t know something, look it up.

*Cigarettes don’t make you look cool. They make you look stupid.

*Drugs deliver short-term highs and lifelong lows.

*Sex is great but unwanted pregnancies and STDs are not.

*When you need help, ask for it. When others need help, give it.

*Doing the right thing always has its reward.

*If you mess up, apologize.

*Anything worth having is worth working for.

*Do what you love for a living and the money will follow. (Not enough to make you rich necessarily, but enough to live an authentic life.)

*You don’t need someone to complete you. Complete yourself.

*Successful people make a habit of doing the things unsuccessful people don’t want to do.

*Hold the door for people – men and women alike.

*Accept responsibility for yourself.

*If you face a difficult decision, ask, “How will this make me feel about myself?”

*And never forget: Non illigitamus carbonundrum. (That’s Latin for “Don’t let the bastards get you down.”)

This is just a partial list, of course. Eighteen years is about how long it takes to learn what we need to know to become responsible adults. After all, most of us don’t start making good decisions until after we’ve screwed up making so many bad ones.

In the end, parents only have so much ability to guide their children’s behavior. Scientists still don’t know how much we’re shaped by nature versus our environment – and probably never will.

But preparing our kids for adulthood is an awesome responsibility, the most important job on earth. So it behooves us – and society as a whole – to do everything in our power to do it well.

Family is the cornerstone of society, the ultimate economic and spiritual unit of every civilization. Twenty-five hundred years ago, Confucius said, “The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.” (This is just as true of mothers, especially today when so many kids are growing up without fathers around.)

Parenthood is and will always be a sacred task. When our kids are grown, they will have to deal with the consequences of their choices. No parent wants to live with regrets about what he or she “should have done.”

For most of us, our families are what we care about most. I know that if I felt I had failed as a father, no success in any other area could make up for it.

Yet each family is unique and no one will ever know the full reality of your situation.

Still, imperfect as we are, there is great satisfaction imprinting the best of us on our kids and doing whatever we can to give them a leg up in our competitive world, knowing that, however we fell short in one area or another, we did the best we could.

Carpe Diem,

Alex

Wow what a powerful question.  How many of us have asked that question of ourselves?  Of those who have asked, how many have followed the path of self discovery long enough to find the answer?  The answer is one that we find by looking inward.  For me it was the powerful process of Living Your Vision that gave me a process to discover the answer.  I am Flame of Hope and my Purpose is to:  Be all I can; offer all I am; uplift and support all and serve those who are ignited by who I am; graciously accepting the abundance that feeds my soul.  So knowing my purpose I was seeking what that manifested purpose would look like – by then it was clear that Life Coaching and Living Your Vision Coaching was the way I would live my purpose.   Since then I have decided to increase my sharing by use of the Internet and focusing on helping Teens Discover their Ideal Career viewing it thou the lens of Purpose.  So began the journey of Careers for teens.  One of my first lessons was centered about getting in touch with their feelings – the inside out process of listening to that feeling place.  Was I ever surprised to learn that may if not most of the students in my 8^th grade class had not given any thought to feelings and did not know how to get in touch with theirs?  I began by asking – On a scale of 1-10 “How do you feel – physically and internally (that feeling place in their body that gut feeling that heart connection). By the end of the first class, it was evident that my materials designed for adults were not working, well at least for the 7^th and 8^th graders.  At this point, I did give up on the idea of teaching Living Your Vision principles and process and went into coaching mode of just asking questions, giving them learning situations that would illustrate the key points, and being in the moment.  It worked much better.  Here is the sequence of topics to explore and work on:

• Introduction and getting ready!
• How am I right now?  Exercises in getting in touch with your feelings – physical, emotional and spiritual.
  • Finding that feeling place – quiet your mind and listening skills
  • Why understanding your feelings are important.
  • Wheel of life – a starting place for understanding how satisfied you are right now.
• We all have baggage what is yours?  The beginning of sharing and building trust – in you and others.
  • Some practical ground rules to consider.
  • Teen’s life areas and labels.  What makes us the same and what makes us unique?  What do I want to experience in each area of my life?  A place to start.
• What are my values?  Where did they come from?  How are they discovered?
• What rules do I live by?  Where did they come from and how are they developed?
• What are my unique gifts and talents?
• What are my strengths?
• What is my learning style and What does personality type have to do with anything?
• What am I passionate about?  What am I really interested in?  So what?
• How does who I am life purpose tie into my ideal career?
• Manifesting my life purpose – how can I use my learning’s to create the life I want? Viewing Careers thru the lens of purpose and my life’s journey
• Life balance and thriving

Well this is quite a list of topics to explore, to see how your teen feels about and what they are willing to do about what they discover.  There will be helpful exercises you can explore with them, some experiences of your own that will help make the material a lot more meaningful and any sharing you both do the more you will get out of the experience.  I assure you that your investment in Career Insurance will pay great rewards.  Remember – ask questions along the way and please share in your experiences – this way we can all learn as we go.  It is my hope that what we learn together will help anchor the teen career class.  Ready?