Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Celestine Chua of The Personal Excellence Blog.

Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?

Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying “no”, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say “no” also extended to my clients, business associates and even sales people.

After a while, I realized all these times of not saying “no” (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say “no”.

Why We Find It Hard To Say “No”

To learn to say “No”, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:

1. You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
2. Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Asia culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).
3. Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you confirm to others’ requests.
4. Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
5. Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.
6. Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.

If you nodded to any of the reasons, I’m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying “No” doesn’t mean you are being rude; neither does it mean you are being disagreeable. Saying “No” doesn’t mean there will be conflict nor that you’ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely doesn’t mean you’re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.

At the end of the day, it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative.

7 Simple Ways To Say “No”

Rather than avoid it altogether, it’s all about learning the right way to say no. After I began to say no to others, I realized it’s really not as bad as I thought. The other people were very understanding and didn’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind.

If you are not sure how to do so, here are 7 simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.

1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”

If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better. I use this when I have too many commitments to attend to.

2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”

It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something. Sometimes I get phone calls from friends or associates when I’m in a meeting or doing important work. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.

3. “I’d love to do this, but …”

I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to the other party. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it. I often get collaboration proposals from fellow bloggers and business associates which I can’t participate in and I use this method to gently say no. Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior commitments (#1) or different needs (#5).

4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”

This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this. Sometimes I’m pitched a great idea which meets my needs, but I want to hold off on committing as I want some time to think first. There are times when new considerations pop in and I want to be certain of the decision before committing myself. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.

If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all, don’t lead him/her on. Use methods #5, #6 or #7 which are definitive.

5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”

If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.

6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”

If you are being asked for help in something which you (i) can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on – whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. I always make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer the person in the right place.

7. “No, I can’t.”

The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. As I shared earlier in this article, these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.

Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs, and once you do that you’ll find how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work and things that are most important to you. I know I do and I’m happy I started doing that.

Celes writes at The Personal Excellence Blog on how to achieve our highest potential and live our best life. Get her free ebook “101 Things To Do Before You Die” by signing up for her free newsletter.

I am too busy enjoying the summer to write content, but not too busy to share what great content that comes my way – enjoy

Posted: 21 Jul 2010 11:01 AM PDT

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Mary Jaksch of Goodlife ZEN.
Do you want to be more productive? Maybe you do, but I’m sure you don’t want to feel stressed, overwhelmed, or unhappy – which happens to many super-productive people. But there is good news:

You can be insanely productive – and still smell the freesias, savor a Pinot Noir, or enjoy a languid hug.

A few weeks ago Leo Babauta said to me, “Mary – you’re one of the most productive people I know. And you still keep smiling and seem so relaxed. How do you do it?”

Most stuff I’ve read about productivity is about doing things differently. Like getting up at 4 a.m. each morning, or drinking eight liters of water a day, or keeping a notebook under the pillow. Sorry, folks – I don’t do any of those things.

High productivity isn’t about doing, it’s about being.

If you want to be highly productive – and still enjoy life – you need to look at how you live, and how you use your mind. Check out the following five suggestions:

1.  Make peace within.
Most people live in a constant state of inner conflict and suffer from a barrage of negative thoughts that sabotage productivity.

Here’s a scenario: Imagine that your car has landed in a ditch. A group of helpers gather, attach ropes and start to pull the car out. Unfortunately, they’re not all pulling in the same direction. Some try to pull the car toward the road, whereas others try to pull it deeper into the ditch. It’s absurd.

That’s exactly what happens when we’re divided within: everything is a struggle, nothing much happens, and it’s frustrating. But what if your mind, body, and soul are all aligned?

When our energy is aligned, we are in a state of flow.

When we’re at peace within, and immersed in the task at hand – without negative thoughts sabotaging our productivity – action becomes effortless. We’re able to achieve much more in less time. And with more enjoyment.

Tip: Wear an elastic wristband. Whenever you notice negative thoughts, change your wristband to the other arm. This will help you to create and maintain peace within.

2.  Go to your edge. Regularly.
Most people use only a fraction of their capacity and try to save personal energy. For example, we’re tempted to rest when we feel tired in order to recover our zest for life. Wrong move! The more energy you spend, the more you have.

Tiredness can signal many things. If you’re healthy, it may mean that you are bored, frustrated, lack movement, or need more oxygen. Or maybe conflict within has sapped your energy. It’s important to go to your limits regularly. Take up running, martial arts, swimming, or other activities – there are many way to exercise vigorously.

Tip: If you feel exhausted or lethargic, go for a brisk walk in order to rev up your energy and restore your spirit.

3.  Take action.
Most people aren’t productive because they don’t take action. They have dreams and even plans – but they don’t follow through. Negative thoughts can derail action. It may be that you have doubts about your ability, or that you listen to others who doubt you.

Tip: Look at what you would like to achieve and ask yourself, “What is the smallest step in the direction of my dreams that I can take right now?” Then take that baby step. Now.

4.  Do what you love.
Think about how you spend your time. Do you enjoy your work, or is it a grind? I’ve changed my life, and what I’m passionate about has now become my work: I teach my Zen students, and also work together with Leo to mentor bloggers in the A-list Blogger Club .

A few days ago my partner David knocked at the door of the little cabin in the garden where I work:

“Mary,” he said, “ do you realize it’s 10 o’clock at night – and you’re still working?”
“I’m not working!” I shot back. “I’m enjoying myself!”

Yes, when the boundary between work and play gets blurred, you may actually work more – but it feels like you’re just having fun.

Tip: Follow your dreams – even if it’s only for ten minutes a day.

Love what you do.
We can’t always do what we love. But we are free to love what we do. From a Zen perspective, there is a way to turn even the dullest chore into pleasurable activity through mindfulness.When we pay tender regard to our present experience – letting go of all thoughts and judgments – even the most mundane action can become pleasurable. Mindfulness doesn’t mean watching yourself, it means being fully present, moment by moment.

Tip: In order to become mindful, notice sensations of the moment. What sounds can you hear? How are your feet connected with the ground? What does your skin feel like?

5.  Finally, a key question you need to ask …

If you want to be productive and still enjoy life, there is a key question you need to answer: why be productive?

I mean, why not just chill out on the couch, eat potato crisps, and watch TV reruns? That might be fine. But what about the oblong box we’re all going to end up in?

I remind myself every morning that life is short and mine may be over by nightfall. That gives me the the desire to taste and enjoy each moment. It also adds a measure of calm urgency because I want to leave a mark upon the world. Do you?

If so, mindful productivity will help you create a life that offers both pleasure and productivity. You’ll achieve more, and you’ll still keep smiling. That smile will light up not only your own life, but also the lives of those around you.

You don’t have to be a super-hero. Simply make peace within and live each moment fully. That’s all.

Mary Jaksch is a Zen Master and blogger. Head over to Goodlife Zen for more of her articles. And visit the A-List Blogger Club.

Session 1 – Values.  Values are simply things of value in our lives.   Generally the things we value become habits.  Values themselves are neither positive nor negative, they just are.  The way they make you feel is very strong and that feeling can be positive or negative.  They have an important influence on your quality of life.    What I have discovered is that to the extent we are engaged in activities that are in line with what we value and believe in, that we are the happiest and most satisfied.

So where do values come from?  Values are developed over a lifetime as we explore the various areas of our lives.  We try things and succeed or fail.  We accept the successes and as the experiences are repeated and we have the same satisfactory result, they become things of value, and give us pleasure.  Things we do not succeed at or feel like a failure are seldom repeated and they do not become values. So as we have satisfactory experiences with family, friends, peers, teachers and others we develop or add to our value experiences.  So where do bad habits come from?  They are generally patterns of thought that we have not tried in reality- things we believe to be better than anything we have tried to date.  Even if they do not give us pleasure, they are familiar and better than any alternative we have experienced.

It is also true that in my experience, teens have not given any thought to or paid any attention to their feelings – this goes for values and rules we live by even more – so this may be a challenging lesson for all.  I am enclosing a values exercise (shared tools and services category) for adults – just to check out your feelings about your values before you begin with your teen.  Here are several other exercises that you can use to check out what you value:

• Have you had a traumatic experience either heath related or emotional trauma?  What did you learn?  Where did you focus your time and attention?  When we are forced by circumstances to realize what our priorities are, where we spend our emotional time – it usually leads to what we really value.  It may not be a direct correlation, but if you examine the why behind the what, it usually leads to a real value.
• A friend of mine had a process he used to keep focused on what was important, verses what was urgent.  He said if he only had 6 months to live what did he want to focus his time and energy on?  So what if you knew for sure you had 6 months of unlimited resources (health, wealth, energy – all the resources at your immediate disposal) how would you spend your time and why?  This will not only give you your real values, but a priority of values as well.
• Since teens most likely will not relate well with the adult value exercise, I suggest the following:
  • Using the wheel of life and section descriptions found in section 3 above determine one or more values for each.  Remember that “values” are things of value in our life, things that we feel good about.  So for example:
  • “Myself” – how I feel about the collective me- I value:
    • A healthy mind, body and spirit
    • My sense of humor
• Play – How am I finding enough time to play?
  • Time I give back to myself the excitement of childhood
  • Time to  explore what I may become
• Friends – Groups, close friends, people I respect and can trust.
  • People who tell me like it is who I feel comfortable in confiding in and people who are like minded.
  • People who feed my soul
• Special Gifts – What are my special gifts and talents?  What am I know for?  Am I using them in important areas of my life?
  • I value my vision and ability to help others discover their life purpose
• Helping Others – How am I doing at helping others, community service, tutor or mentoring others?
  • I value my gift of listening and understanding
  • I value my time of coaching
• School – How am I doing?  Am I satisfier with my classes, teachers’, school, where I am headed after High School?  Do I have a plan for what’s next?
  • I value my excitement for continuous  learning
  • I read new materials relating to careers and self improvement so that I have more to share
• What’s missing?  An area to fill in a part of your life not explored in the wheel!
• Family – Parents, bothers/sisters, relatives, grandparents, heritage, pets.
  • My family is very important to me and gives me hours of pleasure.
• Money and resources- What I earn, jobs, allowances and expenses (what I need).
  • I value our resources as a means to accomplishing my life purpose
  • I value a lifestyle revolving around freedom of  time and money

So now you have a better idea of what you and your teen values.  This is vital information in determining an appropriate job or career path, since any goals or work that is not in line with your values will not bring you work satisfaction and will feel very uncomfortable.

I am including a guest post for all of you who are considering if and how to simplify live a freer lifestyle.

The post gives you some great criteria for making decisions on what to keep and what to pitch, but consider what to buy using this concept:  does it support your vision and or dream; does it move you closer to your dream (perhaps building an infrastructure for your purpose) and/or does it create an experience that you have always wanted to have.  Please read on!

How to Simplify When You Love Your Stuff

Posted: 02 Jul 2010 07:00 AM PDT

Dr. Zimmerman’s TUESDAY TIP:

“Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.”
Robert Orben

What Dr. Alan Zimmerman Has To Say About This:

The great business philosopher, Jim Rohn observed, “Time is our most valuable asset, yet we tend to waste it, kill it, and spend it rather than invest it.”

That’s sad … because you don’t get a second chance to use it. Your first shot is your last one. You get one crack … and one crack only … at using any given period of time. And if you screw it up, too bad. There are no do-overs.

By contrast, I’ve noticed that the happiest people and the most successful are almost always very skilled in the way they invest their time. Oh sure, they get the same amount of time as anyone else, 24 hours a day, and not a minute more. But you can be certain that the way they think about time … and the way they allocate time … is very different than the way negative, demotivated people approach it.

To make sure you’re investing your time wisely, there are 4 things you’ve got to do.

=> 1. Don’t spend too much time in the past.

That would be about as foolish as trying to drive a car that had a rear-view mirror that was bigger than the windshield. You would probably crash.

And the same goes for time. If you live your life in the past, you’re going to crash the present. You’re going to ruin it.

The past only serves two purposes. It provides lessons and preserves memories. So pick up the lessons from your past. Reflect on your good memories once in a while. And then get on with the present.

As author Ida Scott Taylor wrote in the early 1900’s, “One day at a time — this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.”

=> 2. Spend the “right” amount of time on the future.

The key is the “right” amount of time. If you spend too little time, you’re living your life on auto-pilot. You’re living your life without purpose and goals … and that will never lead to happiness or success.

If you spend too much time on the future, dreaming about how good life could be … if only certain things would happen … you once again miss the present.

You’re living your life in a fantasy world, rather than working on making it happen.

Of course, I know the “right” amount of time may be somewhat of a dilemma. The comedian Jerry Seinfeld commented on that. He said, “I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication … Not easy. There’s an entire wall of products that you need. You stand there going, ‘Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting … Which is more important, the present or the future?’”

Well, Jerry, I can answer that for you. The present is more important … because what you do in the present determines your future.

The Chinese knew that hundreds of years ago. As stated in one of their ancient proverbs, “If you want to know your past, look into your present conditions.

If you want to know your future, look into your present actions.”

=> 3. Focus on the present.

As I tell my audiences, “Wherever you are, be there!” Don’t fret about work when you’re at home, and don’t worry about the kids when you’re at work. Learn to be totally present.

The great conductor Arturo Toscanini mastered the skill. On his 80th birthday, someone asked his son Walter what his father ranked as his most important achievement. The son replied, “For him there can be no such thing. Whatever he happens to be doing at the moment is the biggest thing in his life — whether it is conducting a symphony or peeling an orange.”

Indeed, learning to live in the “now” may be critical to your success. As change expert Price Pritchett puts it, “Fast growth requires … a strong sense of ‘now-ness.’” You have to maximize the value of the moment.

As Pritchett goes on to say, “Pay attention. Consciously watch how you’re spending the fleeting now, and consider the payback you’ll get. Are you making a good investment of your hours and minutes? Or are you wasting these scarce resources … spending time on stuff that offers little return … fumbling the opportunity for fast growth?”

You need to show great respect for the now. If you fill it with right behaviors, you’ll be rewarded with fast results.

And finally,

=> 4. Adopt the mind set of living in the present.

Now I know that’s easier said than done … that we all need to live in the present. But it can be done … if you reflect on a few slogans throughout your day. In fact, you can even write them down, put them on a card, and read the card three or four times a day.

And thanks to the millions of people who have gone through 12-step programs or other recovery programs, these slogans have been time tested and proven to work. So give them a try. They’ll keep you focused on the present.

**Easy does it.

**First things first.

**How important is it?

**Just for today.

**Keep it simple.

**Keep an open mind.

**Let go and let God.

**Let it begin with me.

**Listen and learn.

**Live and let live.

**One day at a time.

**Progress not perfection.

Yes, the more you reflect on these slogans, the easier it will be for you to live your life to the fullest … in the present. And if you want to get real technical about it, the present is the only time you have anyway.

As mentioned in “The 500 Year Delta” by Jim Taylor and Watts Wacker, “Once upon a time, you could live in three tenses — the past, the present, and the future. There was a time to consult history; there was a time to plan to what lay ahead. The present tense was spent managing the transfer of the past into the future and imagining what that future might be.”

They continue, “Today, under the pressure of accelerating change, the past and future have been fused into a single tense: the present. The present is real time and real time is the only time.”

Action:

Which of the living-in-the-present slogans appeals to you the most? Pick one. And then repeat that slogan to yourself several times a day for at least 30 days in a row.

Make it a 10 in 2010!

Dr. Alan Zimmerman

This lesson has three parts and will be spread out during the week;  here is what we will cover:

• Finding that feeling place – quiet your mind and listening skills
• Why understanding your feelings is important.
• Wheel of life – a starting place for understanding how satisfied you are right now.  Lets get started!

Session 2 Lesson Two “How Am I right now?

By now, hopefully you have talked to your teen and asked them if they would like to explore more about who they are, what they are good at and how that can lead to a career choice that will really make them happy and fulfilled.  If you got a positive response, you probably have looked over the getting ready section – thought about your coaching and mentoring skills and decided if you are up to the challenge.  If not, perhaps you can encourage your teen to follow along and sign up for my blog updates – I will be giving them some helpful hints and tips that may lead them down the path of self discovery.  If you are up to the challenge – let’s forge ahead.

1.  Finding that feeling place – quiet your mind and improve your listening skills

If you are ever to make meaningful change, it must come from the inside; hence we will be working on what is known as the “Inside Out Process”.  The key to the process is to find that “feeling place” within you to tap into ( and get out of your head); HOW is the million dollar question – and it is seems to be harder in teens than in adults, but perhaps that is just my perception, or can it be that kids are always in their head?    There are many resources that will give you answers to how to get in touch with your feeling, that feeling place (heart, spirit, energy source) and I may add a number of guest articles and white papers (look in Free Tools and Services), but here is what I have found useful to date with my limited experience:

• Get into a quiet time and space – one where you will not be interrupted (turn off your cell).  I find that the first thing in the morning before anyone is up has been my best time.  With Kids, you have to take what you can get.
• Focus on your breathing.  Sitting or lying down, shut your eyes and try and clear your mind of “monkey chatter”.  Take a few deep breaths and try and relax, notice what is going thru your mind.  Now focus on your breathing – notice your chest and belly as they rise and fall with each deep breath (you may have to direct your breath into the stomach).  Again notice, but do not focus on what is going thru your mind – notice and let it go.  Try deep breathing for a few minutes and then breathe regularly – each time your mind drifts to a subject other than your breathing, notice but let it go.  Once you have quieted your mind listen to what your inner voice is saying, what you are feeling – don’t hold on just notice.  With practice you will be able to get into your feeling place much more quickly.
• In a classroom situation, I found it possible for the kids to just take 4-5 deep breaths and try and relax – then I asked them a question:  On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being very low and 10 being the highest, how are you feeling about yourself – physically and spiritually (your heart or feeling place)?  Every session we go through the “How am I feeling?” exercise.  Why???
  • Feeling down affects your ability to listen and focus on what is about to happen.  If the kids are, say below a 7 on either scale; – ask them what is going on in their life, what is making them feel the way they are.  Until they unload and feel better, it is probably not worth moving ahead.  In class, I  just told them to be aware that their feelings would affect what they were learning or not learning, and that taking their pulse – so to speak, was an exercise that they could use before each class to see if they were ready to proceed.

• So what can you do to get back on track with your feelings – if it is physical, you need to find a way to relax or increase comfort or something physical.  You will know what has worked in the past.

If it is heart felt pain, anger or fear – here is an exercise found in the Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin that has worked rather well for many of my clients:

• There are three  ways of releasing unwanted emotions
  • The first way is Choosing to let go
  • The second way is to welcome the feeling, to allow the emotion to just be
  • The third way is to dive into the very core of the emotion

You can read about all three in his book, we will only be looking at option one – choosing to let go, and here is how it works:

Make yourself comfortable and focus inwardly.  Your eyes closed

• Step one – focus on the issue you would like to feel better about then allow yourself to feel whatever comes up in the moment
• Step two- Ask yourself the following three questions:
  • Could I let go of this feeling?
  • Would I let go of this feeling?  Would I rather have this feeling or would I rather be free?
  • When- and invitation to Now.
  • Repeat this preceding process as often as needed until you feel free of the particular feeling.

2.  Why understanding your Feelings is important!

This may be a little tough for me to explain and I do not claim to be any type of expert, but here is what I have discovered.  The head (mind) is basically a computer and deals with current and past data.  For the projection into the future, it uses past data, habits and thoughts.  The mind is very analytical and logical and wants to do things the way you have in the past – i.e. habits and thought patterns tend to be repeated, especially if they have been successful in the past – why waste time and energy thinking about new ways of behaving and thinking?  Well this can be good as long as situations and conditions have not changed and those current habits are producing the results you desire.  Often the case is that our old habits and patterns of thought are no longer relevant to changing conditions and need to be reevaluated – so how can you tell?  Here is where feelings come into play.  If you feel bad about how your life is going or if you feel anxiety, anger and your body feels bad, then this is a good indication that you want and need to change.  So feelings are a good barometer of how well things are going in the present.  Concerning self evaluation and determining what you really want in the future – you again need to be in touch with your feeling place and trust what your heart is telling you.  When you examine our life and ask what you really want, why and such things as your values, how you want to live your life, what you are strengths are – the answers will come from your heart, not your mind.  I have added a section on Obstacles to getting what you want, and we will examine the subject of the mind and how it holds you back, and yes what you can do about it.  So enough of this for now – let’s move on!

3.  Wheel of Life – a starting point for understanding how satisfied you are with your life right now!  And yes it does rely on your being in touch with your feeling place. It sometimes helps to develop compartments for various areas of your life, so we can examine deal with them individually. In working with my class, they came up with the following labels for the various areas of their lives – hope it fits, if not change the labels to fit your experiences and how you see the areas of your life.  The picture below may not be clear enough, so here are the 9 key areas and the basic content of each:

• In the center is “Myself” – how I feel about the collective me- my eating habits, exercise, how I get along with others, how I respond to me (like/dislike what I see).
• (from the top moving clockwise)
• Play – How am I finding enough time to play?  What type of activities do I really enjoy? Do I have a favorite hobby or sport that I pursue?
• Friends – Groups, close friends, people I respect and can trust.
• Special Gifts – What are my special gifts and talents?  What am I know for?  Am I using them in important areas of my life?
• Helping Others – How am I doing at helping others, community service, tutor or mentoring others?
• School – How am I doing?  Am I satisfier with my classes, teachers’, school, where I am headed after High School?  Do I have a plan for what’s next?
• What’s missing?  An area to fill in a part of your life not explored in the wheel!
• Family – Parents, bothers/sisters, relatives, grandparents, heritage, pets.
• Money and resources- What I earn, jobs, allowances and expenses (what I need).

******Here is an exercise you can do for yourself and with your teen********

Using the list or diagram – look at each area of our life and rate how things are going in this area right now.  (Using a scale of 1-10 with 1 stinks and 10 couldn’t be better). Now try sharing one area in your life that is going very well and why.  Share one area that you would like to improve and why.   Now to get an overall feel for how your life is going, try this little exercise.  Copy this wheel below and shade in the area of satisfaction that best fits how you are feeling about that area – i.e. 10% to 100% satisfied.  Now connect the segments with a dark pencil or marker.  Pretend you are riding a unicycle and this is your wheel – what type of ride would you get?  What could you do to improve the ride?  Would that help improve the overall satisfaction with your current life?  How about your future satisfaction?

Nice Job!!! Well, how did the sharing and insights go?  You may want to record you findings in your journal so you can compare the results at the end of the class or in the future.  So here is what we have covered in this lesson:

How am I right now? Exercises in getting in touch with your feelings – physical, emotional and spiritual.

• Finding that feeling place – quiet your mind and listening skills
• Why understanding your feelings is important.
• Wheel of life – a starting place for understanding how satisfied you are right now.

****Feedback time*****

Now would be a great time for feedback, so if you are willing here is what I would like to know:

1. What were the key learning’s, insights and or breakthroughs – did you record them in a journal?
2. What went well?
3. What didn’t go well?
4. What would you have liked more of?

We all have a certain amount of baggage we bring into a new learning situation, now you have a better idea of where your teen’s starting point.   The wheel of life explores categories that teens have in common.  Next we will get into more self and introspective areas of “Who am I? “.  We begin with Values clarification– what are they, where they come from and what do I value, what is important to me?  We will be looking at areas that make us unique individuals.

I have a brief list of questions to give to your teen (that should get them started down the path to self discovery) if they are ready to start.

What do you want to do with the rest of your life?  Will they relate to his question when they do not know what they want to do today?  My sense is that they will.  They probably want more information on what you mean.  Well life is full of choices so what would they like to accomplish in each area of their lives – woops we are getting ahead of the parts of their lives – that is explored more in lesson two.  But you can give them a list of questions to begin thinking about – they will help along the way.

• • What do I do well and enjoy doing?
  • What activities do I enjoy?
  • What am I doing when I am the happiest?
  • What makes me smile?  Laugh?  Cry?  Sad?
  • What kind of stories do I like to hear most?
  • Am I aware of my special Gifts?
  • What turns me off?  What turns me on?
  • What motivates me?

I would also suggest that your teen might like to journal about what they are learning.  Since trust is critical I would ask if they would like to keep these discoveries just between the two of you.  Ask for permission to share if you think others will benefit by their learning.

If possible, setup a regular time to do your coaching and career sessions – this will help establish an expectation on their part that they will be working on discovering  “Who they are” and it will help you reserve a time that you are most ready to help.

Well there is a lot to digest.  I hope you are up to the challenge – as I mentioned somewhere, Mother’s have the greatest influence on whether their teen goes to college, so I imagine that it will be the mother’s who read and begin the process of coaching their teen to Career success.

Next up is Lesson 2 - “How Am I right now?

Question – before I get too far down the lesson path, do I have any readers?  If so, question – do you prefer smaller bits of information or the whole enchilada?  This time I am adding just about half of the session – vote:  smaller bites or whole enchilada?

Ok, so you are ready to begin.  You have always been a coach and mentor to your children but perhaps you have not thought of some of the coaching principles you have employed so I will just refresh your memory:

What is a coach?  What do you do? The International Coaching Federation has the following definition of what coaching is:  http://www.coachfederation.org/find-a-coach/what-is-coaching/

Key concepts to remember:

• You are partnering with your teen in a thought provoking and creative process that inspires them to discover their God given gifts and talents and Life Purpose, so that they can find career opportunities that will optimize that purpose in making a living, and more importantly making a life that they truly enjoy and feel they are contributing to something bigger than themselves.
• You are their Champion for Success and will help them celebrate wins, big and small throughout the process
• Coaching honors the client (your teen) as the expert in his/her life and work and believes that every client is creative, resourceful, and whole.  I know at this age are they really an expert?  They at least need to feel in control of the process and not manipulated; they need to buy into the process and own the results.  You are helping plant seeds but they will bring forth the fruit.

• The coach’s responsibility:

• • • Discover, clarify, and align with what your teen wants to achieve-are they ready to begin this process of discovery?  Do they want to know more about careers and themselves?  If so, then it is a great time to begin.
    • Encourage self-discovery; – a main challenge in discovering who they are; to what purpose; their special gifts, talents, strengths and interests.
    • Elicit teen -generated solutions and strategies;  - well here is where the mentoring and guiding comes in – follow the lessons and guidelines, let them journal on what they are discovering and learning and
    • Hold your teen responsible and accountable- again these are their discoveries and the choice is theirs on what they choose to do about what they discover. Answers like I don’t know, how would I know are not acceptable – ask well what if you did know, how would you feel or where would you be headed – these help in accountability.
• So your main coaching skills center around – ready for this?  Yes – Listening and asking the right questions and listening to the answers (yes what is said and unsaid). As we go through the lessons, you will discover more, but this is the basics.  If you want to know more check out “Co-Active Coaching” by Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House and Phil Sandahl.  In my opinion, this is the coach’s bible.