Flame of Hope

Session 2 – Rules we live by.  Boy this is a great area and we have a lot of things for you to think about here.  Your teen will most likely have  a lot of questions, like what are rules to live by, where do they come from and why are they important to a successful career – all really good questions, so let’s dig right in!

• Rules we live by are like values in their importance, but they generally come from the outside rather than inside.  In many cases they are handed down by our family, close friends, church, teachers etc.  At the teen stage they may be Hats to try on and accept or reject.

One of the best lists of rules to live by was created by Randy Pausch, a teacher at Carnegie Mellon University who gave his last lecture for his kids (He was dying of cancer).  Here is what he wanted his kids to remember (rules to live by):

• Always have fun
• Dream Big – give yourself permission to dream.
• Ask for what You Want – more often than you’d expect the answer you’ll get is “sure”.
• Dare to Take A Risk – experience is what you will get when you do not get what you want.  And it can be the most valuable thing you have to offer.
• Look for the Best in Everybody – in the end people will show you their good side.  Just keep waiting – it will come out.
• Make Time for What Matters – time is all you have.  Make sure you make time for the important and not just the urgent, and you may find one day that you have less than you think.  Life is short and uncertain.  There are no guarantees.
• Here is what another great historian has to say:  Jefferson was conflicted about slavery, in part, because he was a serious student of ethics. Posted at Monticello, for example, are his Ten Canons for Practical Life:

1. Never put off to tomorrow what you can do today.
2. Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.
3. Never spend money before you have it.
4. Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
5. Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold.
6. We never repent of having eaten too little.
7. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
8. How much pain has cost us the evils which have never happened.
9. Take things always by their smooth handle.
10. When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.

• Here is an example for Parents  and teens to explore:

Sample guiding principles for you to consider adopting for your own until you feel comfortable in your discovery process

• Ok so now you have a better feel for what we mean by guiding principles, guidelines or rules you live by.  So go back to your wheel of life and look at each section – just like you did with values, see if any rules you live by come to mind in each life section.  Don’t take a lot of time thinking about each area; just write down what first comes to mind.
• So how can we use values and rules in our quest to find the perfect job or career?  Here are a few ideas:
• Just like with values, to the extent you which you engage in activities that are in line with your values and guiding principles that will determine how satisfied you are with your work.  You will either enjoy getting up and going to work or you will just do your job.
• A second place has to do with the alignment of your values and rules you live by with that of the company.  If the company values and guidelines are not in alignment with what you believe, you will not enjoy the company – you will be at odds with some of the business practices, customers and policies they expect you to live by.  This type of conflict will eventually kill your imitative and desire.
• Parents take some time to think about your life and career and see if you can think of examples – good or bad.   Is there someone you know who had experiences that you can relate to your teen – this will be such a help in understanding.   I had an experience that I can relate to you.  I worked for a startup company (in the Northwest), we built a US distribution and support system for a high ticket product – it was fun and exhilarating.  We were very successful (perhaps too successful).  The home company decided to send down a new Vice President to take over our organization.  He brought along his own finance manager – clue, bad sign.  Well to make a long and painful story short – his business practices were not in line with the startup team’s ethics and most of the key people ended up leaving – he moved the US headquarters to a new location close to where he had a vacation cabin on the east coast.  I was very fortunate that I had decided not to stay with the organization and found a great opportunity close to home, working with a company that had business practices and ethics that were in line with my own.  I ended up working and retiring some 20 years later.
• So you have had the opportunity to explore several key ingredients that help make up the unique makeup of “Who am I?” – Your unique set of values and guiding principles.  If you are still not sure they are truly yours (and teens most likely will feel that way) it is ok to Adopt – yes they can adopt the ones they are drawn to until they grow into them or find new ones.  So what is next?  Well I guess it will be fun to take a side trip into what holds you back from success and moving ahead into the life and career that you are destined to become.  And yes there is a way to deal with them.

Session 1 – Values.  Values are simply things of value in our lives.   Generally the things we value become habits.  Values themselves are neither positive nor negative, they just are.  The way they make you feel is very strong and that feeling can be positive or negative.  They have an important influence on your quality of life.    What I have discovered is that to the extent we are engaged in activities that are in line with what we value and believe in, that we are the happiest and most satisfied.

So where do values come from?  Values are developed over a lifetime as we explore the various areas of our lives.  We try things and succeed or fail.  We accept the successes and as the experiences are repeated and we have the same satisfactory result, they become things of value, and give us pleasure.  Things we do not succeed at or feel like a failure are seldom repeated and they do not become values. So as we have satisfactory experiences with family, friends, peers, teachers and others we develop or add to our value experiences.  So where do bad habits come from?  They are generally patterns of thought that we have not tried in reality- things we believe to be better than anything we have tried to date.  Even if they do not give us pleasure, they are familiar and better than any alternative we have experienced.

It is also true that in my experience, teens have not given any thought to or paid any attention to their feelings – this goes for values and rules we live by even more – so this may be a challenging lesson for all.  I am enclosing a values exercise (shared tools and services category) for adults – just to check out your feelings about your values before you begin with your teen.  Here are several other exercises that you can use to check out what you value:

• Have you had a traumatic experience either heath related or emotional trauma?  What did you learn?  Where did you focus your time and attention?  When we are forced by circumstances to realize what our priorities are, where we spend our emotional time – it usually leads to what we really value.  It may not be a direct correlation, but if you examine the why behind the what, it usually leads to a real value.
• A friend of mine had a process he used to keep focused on what was important, verses what was urgent.  He said if he only had 6 months to live what did he want to focus his time and energy on?  So what if you knew for sure you had 6 months of unlimited resources (health, wealth, energy – all the resources at your immediate disposal) how would you spend your time and why?  This will not only give you your real values, but a priority of values as well.
• Since teens most likely will not relate well with the adult value exercise, I suggest the following:
  • Using the wheel of life and section descriptions found in section 3 above determine one or more values for each.  Remember that “values” are things of value in our life, things that we feel good about.  So for example:
  • “Myself” – how I feel about the collective me- I value:
    • A healthy mind, body and spirit
    • My sense of humor
• Play – How am I finding enough time to play?
  • Time I give back to myself the excitement of childhood
  • Time to  explore what I may become
• Friends – Groups, close friends, people I respect and can trust.
  • People who tell me like it is who I feel comfortable in confiding in and people who are like minded.
  • People who feed my soul
• Special Gifts – What are my special gifts and talents?  What am I know for?  Am I using them in important areas of my life?
  • I value my vision and ability to help others discover their life purpose
• Helping Others – How am I doing at helping others, community service, tutor or mentoring others?
  • I value my gift of listening and understanding
  • I value my time of coaching
• School – How am I doing?  Am I satisfier with my classes, teachers’, school, where I am headed after High School?  Do I have a plan for what’s next?
  • I value my excitement for continuous  learning
  • I read new materials relating to careers and self improvement so that I have more to share
• What’s missing?  An area to fill in a part of your life not explored in the wheel!
• Family – Parents, bothers/sisters, relatives, grandparents, heritage, pets.
  • My family is very important to me and gives me hours of pleasure.
• Money and resources- What I earn, jobs, allowances and expenses (what I need).
  • I value our resources as a means to accomplishing my life purpose
  • I value a lifestyle revolving around freedom of  time and money

So now you have a better idea of what you and your teen values.  This is vital information in determining an appropriate job or career path, since any goals or work that is not in line with your values will not bring you work satisfaction and will feel very uncomfortable.

Hi everyone, well so far we have covered a lot of ground.  You may want to go back and do some review.

• This series “Teen Career Insurance” is being created for parents and grandparents of teens who are in the process of deciding what to do with the next phase of their lives – that period after High School.  It can be a very difficult time if they do not know who they really are, what they really want to do, where to do it and have the resources they need to begin.  This is why I created “Career Teen Insurance” so you can protect and insure you teen’s future.
• This series is about your coaching your teens, planting seeds, exploring possibilities and discoveries about Who I Am, What I Want; What I am Good at – thus Insuring your teen’s future success.
• There is always a cost involved in getting it wrong, but a bigger cost in leaving it to chance.  There are some interesting facts in my blog, but it costs about $20, 000 per year to send your teen to college at a public university in your state, more for out of state and more yet for a private university.  So what if they do not want to go to college, well that is fine – so what do they want to do?  What will they be most successful doing?  What career areas best match up with their strengths, interests, gifts and talent?  I often talk to graduating seniors on Careers Day, and it has been my experience that many do not know what they want to do, yes they have invested in a career direction, but do not feel comfortable choosing a career – guess what?  After five or ten years of work, these college graduates still do not know – they know they are not satisfied with what they are doing, but now they have invested a lot of years as well as the cost of a degree – they often are afraid to try something new – something they are better suited for and will be more successful and fulfilled doing.  So what is the answer?  Invest as early as possible in Career Insurance – the lessons I have included and are yet to come.  It all comes down to making an informed choice based on your own set of gifts, talents and strengths etc.
• It is my belief that each of us was born with a purpose and that purpose includes an ideal career path that is just right for each individual – you have the special gifts and talents, strengths, interests and personality for a reason – to fulfill your purpose.  It is your job in life to discover what it is and to Live Your Purpose.  So how do I find it? Ha, now we are getting somewhere.  I have outlined the topics and suggested that the parent or grandparent coach their teen, by planting seeds of possibility – letting the teen discover “Who they are, to what purpose and using what they have learned to find the career path that fits their unique Self.
• I have given you some tools to help the process along:
  • What are feelings and what do they have to do with anything?
  • Developing a baseline of feelings to see how satisfied they are with their lives right now.
  • A wheel of life to see how to look at the pieces of their lives – something they will use over and over to discover how they feel, what they are good at, what they value etc – lots of self discovery by looking at the pieces.
  • Are you ready or have you already begun?  Need some help – I am here, but are you up to the challenge?  Will you leave this critical decision to chance?  I spent a lifetime discovering my real life purpose – wouldn’t it be great to find out now?  Would it be nice to escape making all the same mistakes we have all made when it comes to a career?  Jump back in and start swimming, I will be your champion for success and life guard.

Dr. Zimmerman’s TUESDAY TIP:

“Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.”
Robert Orben

What Dr. Alan Zimmerman Has To Say About This:

The great business philosopher, Jim Rohn observed, “Time is our most valuable asset, yet we tend to waste it, kill it, and spend it rather than invest it.”

That’s sad … because you don’t get a second chance to use it. Your first shot is your last one. You get one crack … and one crack only … at using any given period of time. And if you screw it up, too bad. There are no do-overs.

By contrast, I’ve noticed that the happiest people and the most successful are almost always very skilled in the way they invest their time. Oh sure, they get the same amount of time as anyone else, 24 hours a day, and not a minute more. But you can be certain that the way they think about time … and the way they allocate time … is very different than the way negative, demotivated people approach it.

To make sure you’re investing your time wisely, there are 4 things you’ve got to do.

=> 1. Don’t spend too much time in the past.

That would be about as foolish as trying to drive a car that had a rear-view mirror that was bigger than the windshield. You would probably crash.

And the same goes for time. If you live your life in the past, you’re going to crash the present. You’re going to ruin it.

The past only serves two purposes. It provides lessons and preserves memories. So pick up the lessons from your past. Reflect on your good memories once in a while. And then get on with the present.

As author Ida Scott Taylor wrote in the early 1900’s, “One day at a time — this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.”

=> 2. Spend the “right” amount of time on the future.

The key is the “right” amount of time. If you spend too little time, you’re living your life on auto-pilot. You’re living your life without purpose and goals … and that will never lead to happiness or success.

If you spend too much time on the future, dreaming about how good life could be … if only certain things would happen … you once again miss the present.

You’re living your life in a fantasy world, rather than working on making it happen.

Of course, I know the “right” amount of time may be somewhat of a dilemma. The comedian Jerry Seinfeld commented on that. He said, “I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication … Not easy. There’s an entire wall of products that you need. You stand there going, ‘Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting … Which is more important, the present or the future?’”

Well, Jerry, I can answer that for you. The present is more important … because what you do in the present determines your future.

The Chinese knew that hundreds of years ago. As stated in one of their ancient proverbs, “If you want to know your past, look into your present conditions.

If you want to know your future, look into your present actions.”

=> 3. Focus on the present.

As I tell my audiences, “Wherever you are, be there!” Don’t fret about work when you’re at home, and don’t worry about the kids when you’re at work. Learn to be totally present.

The great conductor Arturo Toscanini mastered the skill. On his 80th birthday, someone asked his son Walter what his father ranked as his most important achievement. The son replied, “For him there can be no such thing. Whatever he happens to be doing at the moment is the biggest thing in his life — whether it is conducting a symphony or peeling an orange.”

Indeed, learning to live in the “now” may be critical to your success. As change expert Price Pritchett puts it, “Fast growth requires … a strong sense of ‘now-ness.’” You have to maximize the value of the moment.

As Pritchett goes on to say, “Pay attention. Consciously watch how you’re spending the fleeting now, and consider the payback you’ll get. Are you making a good investment of your hours and minutes? Or are you wasting these scarce resources … spending time on stuff that offers little return … fumbling the opportunity for fast growth?”

You need to show great respect for the now. If you fill it with right behaviors, you’ll be rewarded with fast results.

And finally,

=> 4. Adopt the mind set of living in the present.

Now I know that’s easier said than done … that we all need to live in the present. But it can be done … if you reflect on a few slogans throughout your day. In fact, you can even write them down, put them on a card, and read the card three or four times a day.

And thanks to the millions of people who have gone through 12-step programs or other recovery programs, these slogans have been time tested and proven to work. So give them a try. They’ll keep you focused on the present.

**Easy does it.

**First things first.

**How important is it?

**Just for today.

**Keep it simple.

**Keep an open mind.

**Let go and let God.

**Let it begin with me.

**Listen and learn.

**Live and let live.

**One day at a time.

**Progress not perfection.

Yes, the more you reflect on these slogans, the easier it will be for you to live your life to the fullest … in the present. And if you want to get real technical about it, the present is the only time you have anyway.

As mentioned in “The 500 Year Delta” by Jim Taylor and Watts Wacker, “Once upon a time, you could live in three tenses — the past, the present, and the future. There was a time to consult history; there was a time to plan to what lay ahead. The present tense was spent managing the transfer of the past into the future and imagining what that future might be.”

They continue, “Today, under the pressure of accelerating change, the past and future have been fused into a single tense: the present. The present is real time and real time is the only time.”

Action:

Which of the living-in-the-present slogans appeals to you the most? Pick one. And then repeat that slogan to yourself several times a day for at least 30 days in a row.

Make it a 10 in 2010!

Dr. Alan Zimmerman